So this week practically flies by. I've been in moaning or keep bringing up my piano and my worries but honestly it's a monster because as such, I don't have the mood to hang back and have fun. I realised that the first week I was struggling so much because I was trying to do all that was required and more. But I merely have humble aspirations, (the Dean's List would be nice but really it ain't gonna be me on that list that's for sure) so while it may seem quite horrible to say this, but I'm just going to do the required and keep it as that. I really don't want to overwhelm myself with work and like die. (I think quite a number of people are starting to slack anyway) So do I like school? I still don't know, but I'm starting to get use to it, except I'm still lost for quite alot of stuff and all that grr LAWR assignments.

Not going for Law Bash. All I want is to just hang out with my friends, talk, have drinks. Maybe wallow a bit in self pity. Or spend time with my family, it's nice just to talk to them.

The funny thing about prayer is that you tend to do more of it when things aren't going your way. Prayer includes Thanksgiving but it's often glossed over. Yesterday, I sat down for a very long time with the Bible and just read-I didn't even do my LAWR stuff. You know the verse that goes something like "You will have troubles but fear not, I have overcome the world" or something along that lines? That's the verse that's been getting me through the week. I still ask "Why" - why things happen the way they do but I also recognize that it's more important to say "What" -focusing on the attributes of the Lord that remain unchanging. It's been a comfort.

Clara and Eugenia remain the best shepherds to me. I often tend to share my school stuff with Eugenia and with Clara, my football obsessions, love and life. Both interconnect often. I suppose that means I'm accountable to them. I thank the Lord for bringing me PoP and these two fantastic people. They really make me feel cared for and loved. And Clara's little messages often make me miss her alot even though I see her every weekend, I love you.

I'm blessed. (And to add on, I actually want to grab Sonya and hide her in my house and keep her in a little closet-I'll feed her of course, until her date for registering for classes at LSE is over and she has no choice but to stay in Singapore. Of course, we wanted to kidnap Judy to prevent her from leaving to Aussie, Eunice even suggested enlisting Nelson's help but in the end we couldn't do it. So there. I miss Judy loads and Nat when she was away and now Sonya is leaving on a jet plane. Sniff sniff but I still have YY and Benita)

My piano exam worries will always be there. At least until my teacher gives her comment when I next see her or until I finish the exam again. But as I said, Life it goes on. And I'm thankful that I have people who will walk beside me and the Lord to carry me through it.

Bad week- Chelsea wins 3-0 Man City
Good day- Chelsea loses 1-2 Middlesbrough

So if today was a relatively good day, except for finding out that now Chelsea are trailing in the Premiership to United and Pool and Arsenal (if they win their second match for P and A), then will I find out today that Jonathon Leong gets kicked out of Singapore Idol or that Chelsea draw Barcelona in their Group Stages? MY BELOVED CHELSEA.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAT!

Life isn't exactly my most favourite thing in the world at the moment.

I'm so tired but yet I can't fall asleep. Because my mind starts wandering, and poof, you either have law troubles stemming from the inability to understand, the gross feelings of revulsion when I think about some of the canteen food which is quite oily which meant that it took only one week in Law School to make me drop 1kg which could be a good thing except I've lost all cravings for food because anything makes me feel like throwing up and finally, the mother of all shitloads, the failure of my piano exam.

So while I'd love to have several days to wallow in 'what the hell am I supposed to do now?' 'when am I supposed to retake it then?' 'since I failed all 3 songs (which is bloody insane considering the amount of practice I had), what if I fail the second time or nothing can be done to redeem the songs?' I can't. Because life just has to march merrily along, you can't lay aside everything for the sake of ONE thing and I still have law nonsense to do.

I'm just so tired. I suppose I can have a better attitude about things, but honestly life is just there for screwing you up. I mean, before I knew about the result, I had a pretty good Saturday, I went for piano happily, I had cell where I surprisingly shared my law worries with my DG (I initially hadn't wanted to because I thought I had finally come to terms to NOT worry about it), was all ready to do ushering today but suddenly I just felt after the results that I couldn't do anything. It's far from comforting when my piano teacher says 'There's nothing I can say to you'. If I retake and fail to pass yet again, she'll probably vomit blood and die. Lovely precedent to be setting and all that.

Because my questions about what to do after is very very real. And time? It's not exactly forthcoming because whatever time I have is spent reading law stuff. Anyway, it's not as if I'm very excited to go out and miggle with the world considering how shitty I feel.

To cap off an extremely wonderful week would be if Man City beat Chelsea today.

These few days I've been extremely emotional and it's freaking me out. So school has officially started and everyone seems to know so much more than me. Or at least comprehend the lectures and tutorials better than me. Because while they're raising hands and asking/answering questions, I'm still struggling to understand what they're asking/saying.

So I do the usual. Worry that I can't make it in Law School (tears start forming), worry that I won't have enough time to complete my readings which is a hell load (tears start forming), worry that I can't understand what my teacher is saying and lag behind everyone else (tears start forming), well, you get the basic drift.

But I don't want my 4 years in Law to be like that. To have uncertainty is normal I would suppose but not to the extent where I'm governed by fear that I won't make it or having to hide the tears that come at night when I'm doing my usual bout of worrying.

My family knows that it's tough for me to adjust, to suddenly use that wooly old brain of mine. I already think my mother suspects I've been tearing up frequently as she tells me to take it easy and that if what I need is time, to put a stop to my Saturday activities. But that's precisely what I don't want to do. I don't want to have a life which only revolves around law, and if I have to give up talking to friends, watching TV, going for piano and especially going for cell, then life would pretty much be damnit boring. I shall attempt to strike that balance. I shall go on with my activites as much as I can, and if I realise that I can't cope, (amidst much tears again I suppose as seems to be the recurring theme) perhaps it really is time to lay my piano aside.

Off to read Neumann and cases. Fridays are workdays if Saturdays are to be piano and cell days.

It really doesn't feel any different being 19.

This day would be really made if Chelsea beat Liverpool but they're still playing and with a levelled score anything is possible. Now I know why I'm both excited and strangely reluctant for the new season to start. A clean slate. After winning back to back, three in a row would sit very nicely with me but you never know. Riise scored for the Reds, Sheva with his first (of hopefully many more to come) for the Blues.

Anyway while waiting. People have been asking me if I'm excited about school starting.

No.

Not at all?

I don't know.

Unfamiliarity, new things to learn, getting the brain working again after ages of non-usage. The whole hoopla scares me. (But right now losing to Pool scares me even more)

Honestly perhaps my life would have been more stable and less heart attacky if football wasn't a part of my life.

That being said, then people would be giving me very different birthday gifts then the ones I've gotten this year. Everything except that cute green turtle of a soft toy and some part of YY and Sonya's present has something to do with football. My cell girls gave me Mourinho: Anatomy of a Winner (which is very wittily written), Chelsea figurines (half paid by Benita), Chelsea Season Review (my parents), Chelsea magazine (Gladys) and contributions to my ACMilan jacket (Quek, WeeMin, Nat). More contributions welcomed as I'm still paying my way to buy it. Haha.

A good dinner with my family.

Happy 19th to me.

Things have been less of a happy happy because of timetable worries and admin stresses but yeah well, football distracts me.

Being panicky never solves anything. School begins with orientation week. A fun orientation group, with people that I'm able to talk so, some even click with. Inauguration, Flag Day, rounded off with lots of drinks.

The next 4 days will be spent with friends. I resolve to spend the next few days happily, until I turn 19. I don't know what to expect from my lectures and tutorials because I know they will want us to come for them prepared with readings done. I'm sorry but I don't really understand law. Some of the subjects and stuff put under IVLE doesn't give much direction as to what they expect from the first ever lesson. I should have known that even before orientation week was officially over the whole 'let's worry about law, about smart people that isn't me, about not even understanding even after you try to read stuff' would start my panic attacks. My mother consoles, that you probably won't understand during lectures but will be clearer after tutorials. I moan that the timetables aren't even out. The excitment of being an undergraduate is not there, it'll probably kick in after I get used to it. I take a while to digest long long law sentences.

But for now. I shall leave the worrying aside. I shall be a happy Christine, smile, have a good night's rest and enjoy the next few days. Anyway, if I don't understand anything, I'm sure my good friend YuX will explain patiently to me what it means.

I apologize for being boring and going on about school. There is nothing more I would like to do than dish out gossip, write about my love-hate relationships with people (Cristiano Ronaldo being one of them- damn he's gorgeous, especially in Armani), go shopping dadada but for now, be content. Good things come to those who wait. =)

Let's see,

Had drinks yesterday with Sonya and YY and came home pleasantly buzzed only to find my sister telling me she cannot find her MS Office CD and the Norton Anti 02-04 which means she can't install into my laptop which also means I can like use MS Word only until I find the CD or someone who has it. The CD has disappeared. Just great. So please please if anyone has what I'm looking for lend it to me!

Westlife is coming to Singapore! Haha, I know it's rather teenybooper-ish but I can't help it! I really want to go. 8 Sep. I must go check if I can make it on that day and try to drag along some closet Westlife fans to go with me.

Cheryl Quek asked me what was the recent Chelsea-Arsenal match score. I was going to reply in my SMS "What recent game, it was in December last year." But I thought I'll give her a break and tell her because she was probably playing some hostel camp game. I can even tell you who scored. Robben and Joe Cole. That was a historic game! To win at Highbury after don't know how many years. (That, my incredible memory in all things Chelsea can't remember at the mo)

A belated thank you to Hwee who was so incredibly sweet and understanding in listening to my grousings. Lots of love missy.

Transitlink hasn't done up my records. According to NUS it'll take a few days but look we're in the age of the internet, there has got to be some huge record transfer / snail mail for it to take that long. If it's not done by next week I shall continue to hound them by calling up every single day.

Today has been one of the most frustrating days I've had in a long time.

I always weigh myself when I wake up. And guess what? I'm sure you know that muscle mass weighs like 4 times fats or something like that which should explain why suddenly I've put on when I've cut down my food intake (because of training) and have been running 4 times a week. So is exercise really good for you? Go figure.

Then I trooped all the way to Hougang Interchange in the blazing sun to get my Tertiary EZ link card done up only to be informed that there's no record of me entering the Local University. Or at least no record so they can't do the card for me. And it's not like I've not been matriculated or something. I went home to check my status only to realise that yes, not recognized. I entered another friend's i/c number and poof, hers shows she's eligible. So that means I've been screwed over by either NUS or Transitlink. I've been matriculated okay! So just sent an email to try to rectify the whole mess and waiting for response. Extremely annoyed, pissed off and wanting to shove a stick up whoever's ass that screwed it up for me.

Alot of bad words are struggling to escape on the tip of my tongue because this is such an inconvenience and I don't even know if I've contacted the right people. I'm rapidly getting more and more irritated.

And Ballack's has cut his gorgeous hair a la Mourinho's crew cut and it just takes away a bit of his hotness. To lighten up my mood it has not. But this has, Chelsea's new boy tradition of each new player singing a song to entertain to players. Sheva sang "we are the champions" and got pelted with bread rolls. I can just imagine it and it's quite funny.

Ugh. I better get off the laptop before I hit something. Really.